“I Wish My Mouth had a Backspace Key”…

“I just wish my mouth had a backspace key.”
~Author Unknown

I have this problem sometimes…

I’ll say something that I think is totally harmless and then BAM!…I’ll find out later that I unintentionally either hurt someone’s feelings or offended them.  And then…

I get embarrassed when confronted with it…because I genuinely don’t see myself as a person that would hurt or offend someone…and I’ll try to justify why I did it (or why I ‘think’ I did it because honestly sometimes I really don’t remember).

Seriously My Relatives, the landscape of Communications is a veritable mine-field! We can all manage to step on each other’s ‘landmines’…in total innocence…and cause someone discomfort or pain.

Creator taught me recently that all I need to do is to SINCERELY APOLOGIZE!

And that is what I share here…If I have caused hurt or offense with my words…I deeply and Sincerely Apologize!

And if it has been done to me…may I remember to be Forgiving!

Aho!

 

I CAN…BUT I DON’T WANT TO!

I was feeling frustrated…again. I had just asked a friend if she would be joining us at church. I had asked it in a casual way that one might say “see you next week?” You know…those casual things we’re all apt to say: ‘Have a good day’ or ‘See you later’ or any other number of sayings that people share in social situations.

But my friend wasn’t one that casually commented on anything. No, having a conversation with my friend took work…and a lot of it. At times I was  patient and took  time to dedicate myself to our conversations…patiently and thoughtfully plowing through the ‘landmines’ of our discussions. Carefully articulating my words and my intentions…deeply inquiring of her and her life. Other times, I would “roll my eyes”, expel a loud sigh and try to say something funny but pointed about how she seemed to need to pick everything to death. In the beginning, she didn’t appreciate my humorous (but pointed) observations and could react negatively to my sense of humor.

But I started to notice that the more I endeavored to understand and appreciate her point of view, the more she could take my light-hearted comments with her own laughing humor. Though it seemed to me that it was our serious conversations that nourished her and allowed her to be fully present and open with me, I believed it was my willingness to come back time and again, even though she referred to herself as a “prickly person” and tough to get to know.

I began to find it easier to spend longer periods of times talking with her. Being who I am, however, I absolutely crave interjections of humor after long periods of serious considerations…in other words, I have to crack a joke and be able to laugh. If I am unable to laugh with a person, long conversation can be tiresome and hard to endure. And eventually, I’ll find a reason not to visit anymore…leaving the other person absolutely sure of either one or two things: a.) that there is something wrong with them, or b.) that there was something wrong with me.

But this wasn’t the case with her. It got easier and easier for her to enjoy some shared laughter between us…and that was just fine with me. No, the problem I was currently experiencing with my friend was this ‘Virgo’ trait of nit-picking some casual thing to the nnth degree. In Native traditions, this trait is often referred to as ‘Mouse Medicine’ People with this medicine are often able to see the most minute details of any situation but are unable to see the bigger picture. With my medicine following the Hawk, I could see the entire scope of an issue but details irritated me.

Being aware of our different perceptions helped me most of the time to be patient…but not always. And right now was one of those ‘not always’ times. I was irritated with her “I can…but I don’t want to.” I couldn’t explain why her words came off as a bit arrogant to me but it ticked me off. I started to open my mouth to make a quick-witted smart-alecky remark and my eyes started to travel ‘north’ into an exaggerated ‘eye-roll’ when something hit me and I stopped to think about what she had just said.

Of course, she continued on with the conversation, leaving me behind. But that was okay as I was busy contemplating that sentence “I can…but I don’t want to”. What was it that was irritating me about that phrase? And then the light went on and suddenly I knew: It was a statement of Will. It acknowledged that she could do it but that she didn’t feel like it. So what was it I was feeling? Maybe a sense of envy for the freedom of choosing NOT to do something that socially others might expect of me. Human beings, being social in nature, seem to require regular contact with their friends. And I was no different. Why else had I been drawn to a group of like-minded and compassionate souls that kept me wanting to come back…even on those days when I didn’t feel like it.

Even as a Pipe Carrier in the Lakota tradition, I serve The People. When a Canunpa (Pipe) Carrier receives a pipe in ceremony, that person commits to what is essentially ‘vows’. So when I am asked, my will must be to serve The People.  And trust me, there have been times when I wished I could have said just what my friend did…”I can…but I don’t want to.”

I shook myself out of my reverie to realize that I didn’t really begrudge her statement of defiance for I knew she needed to speak of having a will and freedom because at one time, someone took that freedom from her. Where as in my case, I chose to give up that Will…that freedom…to serve, what amounted for me, was a Higher Cause. And in that moment, I let go of my irritation and inwardly applauded her courage for taking a stand…albeit a small one…against the peer pressure of a group of people that she enjoyed being with. When I came back to our current conversation, she was still talking on…obviously without me.

I could have made a smart aleck remark…but I just didn’t want to.

We are always Loved…

There is a Cherokee teaching that says that like all young ones on Mother Earth, who grow up to look and be like their parents…that we too will grow up to be like our Father and Mother. The Earth is our Mother and the Creator is our Father. And like all Fathers, He loves us and wants us to do well. There is never any doubt that we are loved. Sometimes, however, there are times when we may wonder if He is still listening.

Just as with our own children, Creator knows that He can’t make every situation better for us. He knows that for us to be true Human Beings, that He has to let us make our own choices…and experience whatever comes of those choices. He is wise to stand back and let us take those first steps…and yes, sometimes we fall…hard. We may think the Creator isn’t listening or doesn’t care after we have fallen in the dark. But it isn’t true.

As parents, we know that whatever our children’s choices…we Love and Support them. They may become angry with us that we didn’t save them or tell them how to keep from falling (and it’s hard for a parent to not share their opinion). But deep down, at heart-level, they know our Love for them continues…and it is that Love that serves as a foundation for their lives. Our sacred relationship with the Creator is one of understanding and acceptance that, no matter what happens or how things may ‘appear’, that We are always Loved and Cherished!

Aho!

Our Homeless Street Relatives are our ‘Teachers’

I found myself “on the street” 2 months ago. How I got there is similar to many stories…no job, lost home, family members who just couldn’t understand (“if you don’t have a job, then you’re not really trying”). It finally came to a point that it appeared that I had no other options…I was going to live on the streets and I just simply had to accept it. In the end, I only spent 3 days there because a dear friend from church sent out a global email that shared my situation and it was her compassionate and loving words that opened their hearts..and doors…literally. A generous couple stepped forward and courageously offered to let me house-sit their home for a period of time, which has allowed me to spiritually and emotionally heal.

I disclose that information only in order that you might understand what I want to share and why. During the month prior to my street experience, I started to feel ‘invisible’ and unneeded…as if I had become irrelevant to the world. People started to “look through me” and tried to avoid me. I suspected it was because they felt I would ask them for help (although I never spoke of it or asked for anything). People stopped talking to me or engaging me in conversation. Because of an economy that was brought about by Greed, I had become a ‘Ghost’ in my own life. And it wasn’t until my friend stood up and hugged that ‘Ghost’ part out of me that I began to feel real again and a necessary part of the world.

Reflecting back, I see that we all need acknowledgment…affection…and to be needed. Just being homeless doesn’t mean a person has ‘disappeared’ and is no longer a part of us…of our Community. And yet, that’s what happens. Why? Well, one reason could be because we’re afraid it could be us…that we too could be ‘forgotten’. But mostly, I feel it’s because we’re unsure how we can help. People are good-hearted and will usually help, if they know how and what they can do. So, let me share what I do when I see a brother or sister who is obviously homeless, I make a point of going up to them, shaking their hand and introducing myself. And then, I just shoot the breeze. I might remark how hot it’s been or how I wish I had air conditioning in my truck. I might wonder out loud if Fall was ever going to come. If they feel comfortable with me, I might tell a joke. I simply chat with them about those common things that we all might speak of when we get together. I don’t offer them money but I might ask how things are going. Instead of feeling pity for them, I honor and acknowledge their presence as an equal. I treat them with the same respect I would treat anyone.

For I remember, and can never forget, that many of them…families included…are there not because they ‘chose’ to live that way but because of somebody else’s Greed. And because no one in their lives could…or would…help them. By simply chatting with them as I would a neighbor, I am “reclaiming” that person back from that “Ghost” world of living on the street and starting them on the road back into our Community. It takes time, and healing, to come back into the World from that place of being “Unseen” but it’s worth it to keep trying. For me, our Street Relatives are the ‘best’ part of us…drawing our attention to that part within all of us that wants to be loved, needed and cherished.

Whoosh! Whoosh! The sound of Eagle wings…

(The Creator has ‘asked’ me to share my vulnerability…to be genuine about who I am and what I’ve experienced. While it is easy to share my joys, it takes all my courage to share those things I consider to be my weaknesses. But I honor what the Creator asks of me, for His wisdom is greater than mine. Perhaps by sharing the low points in my life, others can relate to the words, the observations that I share. And through that experience of sharing, we will know that we are all One. Aho!)

There is a quote (I can’t remember the author’s name) that says: “How can you discover new oceans if you never lose sight of the shore?”  That caught my attention immediately! Just thinking on that simple thought put a whole new spin on what I’d experienced for the last 14 months. I had started referring to that time as “the punishment” or at the very least, “karma”. My close friends had subscribed to the karma theory because they had begun to think that I must have done something downright awful in a previous lifetime, something I had to atone for, to explain what I experiencing.

So, when I first heard that quote, my spirit did a serious double-take. “What if…”, I said to myself, “what if that apparent ‘fall from grace’ had been designed to help me discover my “new oceans”? Creator must have known it wasn’t going to be easy to get me to leave that previous ‘shore’  of what I had considered my ‘dream job’….a  job where I was helping people, making a difference in their lives. No, it was going to be a real challenge to get me to walk away from something I loved doing.  But He did know one solid thing about me…He knew I would listen and follow whatever He asked of me ..no matter how scary or deep “that fall” appeared to be.

Thinking on those words “deep fall” brought to mind how our Spiritual Relatives, the Eagles, teach their young to fly. Eaglets learn by observing their parents and when it is time for them to learn to fly and leave the nest for the first time, the mother will first  demonstrate how to use their wings to lift them up. The Eaglets will mimic their mother’s movements and eventually take their first tentative flights to another branch below. Sometimes, however, one Eaglet is too afraid to attempt that first “deep fall” and just won’t leave the safety of the nest.  When  the mother feels the time has come for this young one to fly,  she will place some food in her mouth and take a position outside of the nest and start to pump her wings in powerful wing beats. Up and down…Whoosh…Whoosh!  As she tempts him out with the food, her wing beats start to disintegrate the  nest with each powerful updraft. The Eaglet, drawn forward towards the food, and forced to leave a nest that is falling apart, eventually HAS to leave the nest…either to fly…or to take that deep fall. If he falls, she catches him and gently lifts him back to the nest. The young Eaglet, confident that his mother will catch him, eventually takes his first successful flight and begins the next chapter of his life.

We all have “deep falls” in our lives…some deeper than others. We may think, as I did, that because the fall took us right down to the ground, that we were being punished for something.  As our “nests”, our lives, started to disintegrate, we believed erroneously that we were no longer important or cared for. When in reality, the Creator was just teaching us how to ‘fly’ for the next chapter of our lives. We had to develop and strengthen our ‘wings’ to give us those powerful wing beats to lift us up from the ground so we could soar to greatest heights of our lives!

Whoosh! Whoosh! May your ‘Wings’ lift you higher!!

Healing through Generosity…

Generosity is a Healing gift of Spirit…one that we come with into this world with. You might say it’s “standard equipment”, not an ‘extra feature’ we have to work at or request. Creator must have known we would need it to live in harmony with each other, and with ourselves. But I think it’s greatest benefit for The People is its ability to Heal.

I’ve been on the receiving end of Generosity for the last year of my life. At times, I felt uncomfortable that I had to depend on others to survive. When that list started getting larger and larger of who I was in debt to, I really struggled. I wanted to repay them for their kindness, their thoughtfulness, their Generosity. Some gave of their time, calling me every week, to let me know I was still important to them and that they cared what happened to me. They kept me engaged in Life when they knew I felt ‘invisible’. Some gave hugs…that simple and beautiful way of acknowledging that you are loved and cared for. Others shared their ideas of how to remedy my situation. Or, they shared their homes, courageously creating a space in their lives because they cared.  Some advocated and shared my situation with others, stirring them into compassionate action. And then, there were those who shared what they could in terms of money…what is necessary and required to live in this society. I knew that Americans on the whole were a kind and generous people. We seem to know instinctively that we’re here to help each other. Yet, it’s hard to be on the receiving end  time after time. I wanted to give back but I had nothing, or at least, I thought I had nothing to give.

This weekend, a long-time friend gifted me with a large sum of money…sticking it in my purse, for me to discover after she left. I was stunned. I started to cry. I wanted to run after her to give some of it back for it felt like ‘too much’ but I didn’t because I knew it would be hurtful to disrespect such a generous offer. But, it was hard for me to wrap my mind around it. Why…WHY?… would someone (who wasn’t family) give such a large amount to me? And then, it came to me the next morning as I struggled to share with her how grateful I was. I suddenly understood in one moment what her actions had meant and what I had been experiencing. In that moment of generous gifting, she had told me I was WORTH it! And my reaction had been one of “but I’m not worth it” (or worth that much). For over a year, all I had been getting from my family was that I wasn’t worth it. Upon reflection, I realized that, in fact, all my young life they had told me that (either literally or by their actions)…and I had believed it! My friend’s action had “awaken” me…had brought me out of the untrue stupor of unworthiness. Her Generosity, and that of others, had healed me of that belief of unworthiness..and for that, I’m truly, truly Grateful. I Honor and Thank you, D.T., B.L., C.R., G.G.,W.H.,  and everyone who shared with me…Generously! Aho!

The Medicine of Rain

My people, as well as most tribes, had celebrations to honor the seasons. Our celebrations and dances always included prayers. In one of these special celebrations, we danced and prayed to the Creator for Rain…mni wiconi, the sacred water of life. Water not only has the power to shift and mold our lives but it has healing and life-giving qualities and without it, we would cease to be. Indeed, it is one medicine which all Relatives need to live. It not only brings Life but it brings cleansing and renewal and because of it, well being comes into the World. When it rains, all manner of foods grow, that feed not only The People but all Relatives on our Mother. When the rains come, the grasses grow and the deer and elk grow fat and again the Relatives are fed. The oceans fill and the ones who swim become plentiful and again, all Relatives are blessed. I give thanks to the Creator and my Ancestors, for teaching us to honor those beliefs and traditions…and I am grateful that the dancing for Rain continues as a blessing to all. Aho!