One night, as I sat watching the “Return of the King” (the last in the trilogy of the Lord of the Rings), a particular scene in the movie caught my attention. Aragorn and his friends enter a cave that holds the cursed spirits of a long dead army that betrayed their promise to fight for the King of Gondor in his hour of need. Aragorn…who has been given a mighty sword that represents his reluctant acceptance of his destiny as the new King of Gondor…comes to this place of the dead to demand that the spirits make good on their old promise and thereby win their freedom from the curse. When his friends tell him it is madness to go into such a place, Aragorn suddenly holds up the sword and with great determination simply states “I am not afraid of death” and strides purposely into the darkness.
At the end of that scene, I was struck by one thought: “I once felt that same sense of ‘destiny’ in my life’. That lack of fear, not only of death but of anything that tried to sway me from my purpose. Just remembering that time hit me with such force. There in Prescott, I felt so far away from that time…that faith…that strength…that ‘knowing-ness’ that I was truly following my destiny. Back then, anything I did I knew with a certainty that I was doing what I was meant to be doing. And I always knew that it would all work out in a good way. I did not fear death during that time because, for me, I was following what the Creator wanted me to do. And it was that sense of destiny, culminating in 1996, that stayed with me through the cancer and afterwards…at least, for awhile. If I strayed from my spiritual path, the Visions, Intuition and Dreams always brought me back.
After getting off of disability in the early 2000’s, I had to return to work…the stress of bills needing to be paid took precedence over my spiritual path. That is the year I began to feel “not needed”…being rejected over and over by employers caused me to wonder at my worth…and that’s when the fear started to creep in…and set up housekeeping. Unbeknownst to me, it became my roommate.
I always wondered why the Creator had guided me to Prescott. I, like many others in my circles at the time, had been having dreams. I felt ‘pushed’ to leave. I believed that there was some great disaster coming and that my family and I needed to leave. When we made the decision together to go to Prescott, all the ‘warning’ dreams stopped so I felt that I was meant to be there. However, to be truthful, I had reservations. I had just gotten a really good-paying position in San Diego and had only been there for 6 months and I had this feeling that I could stay there as long as I wanted. I was treated well and they were generous. Having just struggled through years of poverty, it was good to have abundance again and I was reluctant to give that up. But I left anyway and to be honest, I went partially out of fear.
Perhaps it was no surprise then that I struggled there. No friends, no ceremonies, no spiritual community and more importantly, no work. The lack of work really took its toll on me. Some months I barely made it…other times I almost lost my place and wondered if I’d be out on the street the next month. Fear was taking everything. More importantly, there were no Dreams, Visions or Intuition to guide me there. I felt lost.
Then in December of 2006, during a 16-day Hopi ceremony known as Soyal, the Dreams came again. One in particular was extremely important. In this dream, I was shown magma running under the mountain of Prescott and I was told that Prescott was a place that sucked the life-energy from the People. That elders couldn’t feel the drain because they were close to crossing over and that the families with children didn’t feel it because the children had such an abundance of energy that it camouflaged the feeling. I was told that those who were single would feel the ‘drain’ the greatest and that it was a place of ‘Give-Away’. That people came there to get rid of those things that kept them from progressing and that once they got rid of them, they could move on. This was an important Dream to me and actually gave me Hope that there would be an eventual end to the misery I was experiencing.
Seeing that scene in the movie seemed to shake me out of a spiritual fog. I had been walking down the memory lane of my early 40’s…the highest spiritual time of my life…wondering if I would ever feel that way again. Had I simply just moved over to the other side of that mountain, relegated to a spiritual life of ‘kibbles and bits?” Had the Creator discarded me, having now served my purpose? Was I was just marking time until the end?
That scene jumping out at me with such strength, forced me to consider that word “Destiny “ carefully. What did it mean to me? Did it mean that there was a pre-destined path to our lives and that you got ‘smacked upside the head’ if you failed to follow that path? Was Surrendering to the Creator following my destiny…or was it fulfilling some kind of contract I had made with the Creator?
Finally, after a night of Dreams, I came to understand what Destiny meant to me…Destiny is doing what you really want to do. Now, you may say to yourself, “Well, I knew that.” Yes, I guess we all inherently know this at a cellular level. But I got caught up in the “Your will, not mine” mantra. I was trying so hard to figure out what the Creator wanted me to do that I simply forgot what it was I wanted to do. No wonder I wasn’t ‘getting it.’ Hearing that one statement from the movie, “I do not fear death”, made me think that perhaps following our heart’s desire is the Creator’s will.
When I thought back to the 90’s, and that strong sense of Destiny, I realized that what I felt back then came from pursuing a dream of mine that I’d had since my teens…and I was going to attain it no matter what. I was doing what it was in my heart to do. I was fulfilling my Destiny…and at the same time…following the Creator’s will by using my own free will. While it’s true that Destiny is sometimes thrust upon us…and maybe that’s part of the ‘contract’ we make with the Creator…it’s just as true that we are happier when we are doing what we truly want to do.
And that’s what I forgot. I had been so worried about getting a job and paying the bills that I forgot what was in my heart that I wanted to do here. I’m not here to just mark time until the end. I’m here to do what is in my heart to do.
Moving once again towards the desires of my heart…I feel Destiny moving in my soul and I know now that “I do not fear death.”
Love and Destiny to us all.