Looking back, I guess I was always destined to follow a spiritual path…it was just a matter of which one. I remember lying on my bed when I was 10, reading a book on Joan of Arc (for which I won an award for the fastest reading of a book). I admired her courage, her faith and was horrified that the God she obeyed and listened to, would let her come to such a horrific ending. But what astounded me more is that she was ‘told’ she would come to that end…and could have walked away but didn’t. Creator had given her a mission and that mission required that she die. As she burned in the flames, I cried deeply…the sorrow lasting for many days.
I remember wanting to be a Nun…apparently, a common ‘call’ with most of my female spiritual friends. And when I started dating in high school, I was drawn to the boys who followed a religious path. I think I was ‘shopping’ even then to find where I fit in, spiritually. But ultimately, Creator did not ‘speak’ to me thru those ways.
And then in my 30’s, I heard the ‘call’ of the Lakota/Nakota ways (the Sioux). Thru a series of coincidences and chance meetings, I was given the opportunity to learn their true teachings. My spirit was captured by the way they honored Mother Earth by trying to live in balance; of how they spoke of walking in a good way with the Earth and with each other; and of the Honor, Respect, Courage, Generosity and Compassion they lived by. These teachings not only gave me a strong spiritual foundation but ultimately they gave me what I had always wanted since I was 13…I wanted the Creator to speak to me.
…and so it happened, in a variety of ways: thru dreams, visions and spoken words.
In the mid-90’s, I was “guided” (pushed was more like it) to purchase a rather large book on Tsunka Witko (Crazy Horse). I was deeply into the ways at that time, praying and talking with the Creator several times a day. I began to have out-of-the-body experiences which were always stopped by a “parental” energy, as if I was a child, not ready for that yet…probably because about that same time, the Dark Ones started to take an interest in me. But more importantly, I was beginning to experience more and more contact with the Creator and with spirits.
I wasn’t really interested in purchasing that book. I honored and admired Crazy Horse but in a distant sort of way. Long story short, I ended up buying the book and learned a great deal about him. For a man who faithfully served for the good of The People and walked in a humble way, he suffered a great deal. I felt great compassion for him at the loss of his wife and young child and that he had been killed not by the whites but by one of his own people. 2 nights later, Crazy Horse came to me in a dream. It felt as if he talked to me the entire night but I remember little of what he said. There was one thing I did remember when I awoke: “Be careful what you ask for.” I thought at the time that perhaps he meant that I shouldn’t desire to be like him…and also, to pay close attention to words I spoke. I took those words to heart and always took care when speaking about what I wanted.
Crazy Horse has been on my mind of late…along with Joan of Arc. Two people I admire for their courage, their faith and their dedication to the Creator. Two people who ended up dying in terrible ways for that dedication. I have been feeling hurt, angry and resentful lately. In the mid-90’s, I told the Creator that I would serve him and The People. And I have been true to my word. One year at Sun Dance on the 3rd day, He gave me my Mission: “Tell others to Pray.” This I have done and continue to do…along with the duties of being a Cannunpa Yuha (Pipe Carrier), I serve The People.
So it was, when 3 Grandmothers came to me in a dream in Dec 2010 and gently asked me to quit a job I loved…after 2 weeks of praying hard about it, I did. Four years later, having lost my home, traveled to 5 states and 11 cities looking for work, had my family turn their backs on me, homeless on the streets for 6 months…I still struggle with no job and no income. And worst of all, I’ve lost hope that the Creator will ever return what I had to sacrifice.
I wish I had known the context of what Crazy Horse was sharing in that dream. I realize now that he wasn’t talking about me wanting to be some great spiritual leader. He was cautioning me to be careful in asking to serve the Creator and The People. And from all that I experienced, perhaps he was right.